Review 007 - May 15, 2008 – Sega Game Gear – Aerial Assault

Aerial Assault is the second game I ever played on the Game Gear back in 1992, and was one of the first 25 games I had ever played.

• Game: Aerial Assault
• Console: Sega Game Gear
• Developer: Sega
• Publisher: Sega
• Release Year: 1992
• Region/Language: NTSC-U / English
• Genre: Side-Scrolling Shooter
• Purchase Location: BX – R.A.F. Alconbury, England
• Purchase Price: $ - I’m not sure. I know it came with my Game Gear, but I don’t know what my parents paid for the set way back in 1993. For a U.S. Game Gear in the United Kingdom in that year must’ve not been cheap, though. I’d guess 30-50 dollars just for this one game to come bundled with the unit.
• Purchase Year: 1993
• Review Platform: Sega Game Gear (Original Sega Model with Full-Color Logo)

Aerial Assault made quite an impression on a 7 year old me. When I opened my big Christmas present from my parents (or Santa Claus… I can’t remember!) I was delighted to see a Sega Game Gear set with Aerial Assault and Sonic the Hedgehog bundled in it. While Sonic for the Game Gear is a true classic in my opinion, Aerial Assault has always seen me coming back for it time and time again, Gradius clone though it may be.

The story (I was always under the impression this was correct) starts with a huge evil entity , N.A.C., creating a super-weapon that’s giving all civilized nations of the world very real cause for concern. A great uprising took place, but was firmly quashed by the N.A.C. almost as soon as it started. With the world on the brink of chaos and destruction, a lone pilot called the “Freedom Fighter” comes in to rescue the day. Flying in his tricked-out F-14, he’ll pop a cap in the evil leaders of the diabolical N.A.C. and stop this madness once and for all!

Graphics: Aerial Assault’s graphics may not have pushed the system to its limits, but they certainly do the job. The strong towers of the city, lush tropical islands in the Pacific, gorgeous sunset along the cloud line turning into a lightning storm… the backgrounds in this game are absolutely fantastic and really add a convincing depth to the game play. The sprites may be a bit basic for your ship, and for the other lesser craft you will encounter during your missions, but the bosses are very well implemented. Huge and looming with very little sprite flicker, the bosses outsize your airplane by a great deal.

I particularly enjoyed the in-cockpit mission transmissions prior to the start of a new level. It may seem hokey to some, but this got me ‘into the action’ like no other.

Sound: I can still remember the title screen theme. It’s a bit screechy, but after listening to it off and on for the last 15 years I’m quite fond of it. Kind of like a video game music Stockholm syndrome. This goes for the whole game’s music. I’ll probably end up remixing it when I finally get interred in a mental hospital.

The sound effects are sufficiently explodey to maintain enough realism when blowing up B-52 bombers the size of Austin, Texas.

Controls: The controls are awesome. They make your plane go up, they make your plane go down. They are accurate and fast enough to enable your plane to perform some hair-raising dare-devil like aerial feats, such as flying between two bullets, or flying between two planes.

Gameplay: The gameplay is awesome. There’s nothing like spending half an hour shooting the shit out of everything that comes your way while waiting for your oil to get changed. The power-ups in this game are pretty sweet, though one has to wonder why the hell your F-14 has to emit chirping bolts of blue energy on the third or fourth power-up… Chirping? I’ve never heard a chirping weapon.

The difficulty starts at very easy, but gets tough at the middle of the sunset level. You’ll have to whip out your best reflexes to beat this game!

Verdict: Buy it. Many people have never heard of this gem, but its well worth it. It even supports 2 players via the Game Gear’s link port, provided you have two copies of the game. I’d buy it for $15.00 or less.

Review 006 - May 14, 2008 – Atari Lynx – Lynx Casino

Lynx Casino is a Casino simulation for the Atari Lynx portable console. It offers some gambling action.

• Game: Lynx Casino
• Console: Atari Lynx
• Developer: Atari
• Publisher: Atari
• Release Year: 1992
• Region/Language: NTSC-U / English
• Genre: Gambling Simulator
• Purchase Location: eBay – it came with my Lynx
• Purchase Price: $5.00
• Purchase Year: 2006
• Review Platform: Atari Lynx – Model 1 (The long-body model)

Well, this game features a variety of casino games for you to play in a casino-type environment. Joy!

Graphics: The graphics in this game are pretty slick, actually. They’re what you would expect of the Lynx, or of the Game Gear. There’s even amusing Elvis, drunk-guy and prostitute sprites in the casino! You really can’t get much more awesome than that.

Moreover, I really am taken with the intro screen. I don’t know why, but it has the right amount of early 90’s styled eye candy for me to really enjoy.

Sound: The sound is passable, but nothing special. The music is catchy, but doesn’t stay with you long after the game is shut off. The sound effects are minimal, but adequate.

Controls: There is no fast-paced action in this game, so the steady, responsive controls are more than sufficient to play and this is what you get here!

Gameplay: Whether you have a compelling need to play craps, roulette, slots or blackjack, Lynx Casino has you covered. The games are all basic, 8-bit implementations of the old standbys, but only blackjack stands out as the “fun” game to play.

Verdict: If you’re working on completing your Lynx game collection, or own a Lynx and see this for sale for $5.00 or under, go ahead and buy it. It won’t hurt, and you can always sell it on eBay if you decide that a five dollar game and a Lynx is too much for you to keep around just for an occasional game of blackjack.

Review 005 - May 13, 2008 – GameBoy Color – Pro Darts

This is a darts simulator that was bought for my sister’s 10^th birthday by my parents. Yes, my parents bought their 10 year old daughter a Dart Simulation video game… for her birthday. I’ll let that sink in a bit.

• Game: Pro Darts
• Console: GameBoy Color (Color-Only Cartridge)
• Developer: Vicarious Visions
• Publisher: Vatical Entertainment
• Release Year: 2001
• Region/Language: NTSC-U / English
• Genre: Dart Simulator
• Purchase Location: Main Exchange (BX) – Andrews AFB, MD
• Purchase Price: $4.95
• Purchase Year: 2002
• Review Platform: GameBoy Advance SP (in native screen mode, not stretched)
  

Pro Darts is a compelling video game experience full of tight story lines, amazing graphics and thrilling gameplay. Or, it would if Pro Darts was the real name of BioShock. There’s not a whole lot to review. This is a fairly accurate pocket-sized version of the classic game of darts. The elation my sister must have felt upon opening this treasure must have been just outstanding.

Graphics: Vicarious Visions’ product site claims that Pro Darts is full of “3D-rendered artwork for that ultra-realistic feel” and “full motion video cut-scenes” which roughly translates to “full of half-assed pre-rendered backgrounds that mostly resemble canned ass” and “shit that may once have been good-looking FMV has been reduced to literally .43% of its original resolution.”

Other than that, the game looks fine.

Sound: Vicarious Visions’ product site claims that “real voice playback contributes to the realism of this darts simulation.” Yes, it is true!

The thrilling experience of hearing a play-by-play call of your game of darts has been faithfully reproduced on the GameBoy Color by the talented engineers at Vicarious Visions! What’s next for this crackpot team of geniuses? Solving world hunger? Eliminating war? Making a DS game for the Bee Movie? Oh, wait…

The music still haunts me in my nightmares. Picture this: I’m getting tickled and whipped with flaming chainsaws simultaneously by a bunch of nude Janet Reno / Hilary Clinton hybrid demons in hell. Celine Dion and Alicia Keys are there having nasty penis-filled lesbian sex which turns me the exact opposite of on. The meatspin guy is hovering over my open mouth “Burning Desire” style. There is music playing... It’s the Pro Darts theme song.

Controls: The controls are actually decent. I could score a bulls-eye after some practice nearly every time I played. There’s nothing more to say here.

Gameplay: Imagine walking into a smoky bar in the backwoods of Wisconsin after a long cold day of hunting. You order up a big ol’ glass of beer and sit down to watch some “Turkey Huntin’ with Dale” on TV, when some joker comes in and challenges your very manhood. Well, obviously this slight cannot stand. What is a man to do? Settling this mano y mano just like God intended; with a Dart Board!

Now, take that scenario and strip out the challenge of manhood, the joker, the TV, the beer, the cigarettes, Wisconsin and the bar. This is Pro Darts. The ultimate challenge of nothing, really.

Verdict: Well, if you have a penchant for dart simulation video games, especially portable ones, then this is a must own.

If, like the rest of civilized America, you prefer your video games to be of the non-Darts Simulation variety then you may want to invest in Donkey Kong or Mario instead.

This game wouldn’t be worth picking up for anything more than 50 cents at a garage sale.

My poor, poor sister… :-(

Review 004 - May 12, 2008 – Philips CD-i – The Joy of Sex

Sure, the CD-i had a few games, but they were all knockoff Zelda titles that Nintendo refuses to acknowledge. What the CD-i really had were edutainment titles, one of the best being The Joy of Sex.

• Game: The Joy of Sex
• Console: Philips CD-i
• Developer:
• Publisher:
• Release Year: 1991
• Region/Language: NTSC-U / English
• Genre: Edutainment
• Purchase Location: A thrift store in Tacoma, WA
• Purchase Price: $2.00
• Purchase Year: 2005
• Review Platform: Philips CD-i 910 with Digital Video Cartridge
  

The Joy of Sex was one of many edutainment titles available on Philips’ CD-i console, wherein the goal of the software was not so much to pass time and have fun playing, as it was to educate the player on any number of topics. Based on the famous book of the same name, The Joy of Sex attempts to provide sexual advice to couples in England on a wide range of topics, such as:

• Why doesn’t he shag me like he did when we were 20?
• Why doesn’t she shag me like she did when we were 20?
• Why don’t we shag like we did when we were 20?
• What do I do if her vaginal flavor is discomforting to me?
• How can I possibly blow him if he doesn’t wash the cheese from the head of his dick?
• We used to shag like minks, but now all he wants to do is watch old Star Trek episodes and fall asleep in his recliner. Why don’t we shag anymore?

This is all acted by some average British people in a semi-amusing manner throughout.

Graphics: Well, do you remember Video CDs (VCDs) from the early to mid 1990’s? If you do, then you know what I mean. If you don’t, imagine a YouTube video at ¼ resolution blown up to maximum size on a 36 inch TV screen.

That’s not to say the environments and actors aren’t attractive enough, but the compression really kills the game, as this is 90% video footage based. The menus are adequate and clear to read.

Sound: The audio is passable. There really isn’t a lot of overpowering music throughout – just enough to set the tone of the article in discussion. The voice acting is clear enough to understand perfectly fine, and it even adds a more personal touch to subject matter that definitely requires one. It is funny hearing Brits talk about blow and hand jobs, though. No offense to the Britishers, but you know…

Controls: The controls are a tad clunky, especially if you’ve never used the CD-i’s lovely remote control. The analog stick attached to the boxy and uncomfortable infrared remote controls the on-screen cursor. This is what you use to navigate the game’s many menus, but it’s slightly flaky to work perfectly.

This would all be a moot point with the game controller, but the edutainment titles were designed to be used from the comfort of one’s own couch with the IR remote, so that’s what I’ll use.

Gameplay: Well, there’s not much “game” to play, but you may very well pick up a tip or two to try out on your lover this evening.

Verdict: If you haven’t read the book, or just have a desire to listen to early 90’s views on sex, pick this title up. It’s amusing and worth up to $10.00 in the wild.

Review 003 - May 11, 2008 – Nintendo Famicom – Yume Penguin Monogatari

Today’s review will be of a penguin-weight-loss platform game.

• Game: Yume Penguin Monogatari
• Console: Nintendo Famicom Cartridge
• Developer: Konami
• Publisher: Konami
• Release Year: 1991
• Region/Language: NTSC-J / Japanese with some very basic English
• Genre: Platformer / Side-Scrolling Shooter
• Purchase Location: Pink Godzilla - Seattle, WA
• Purchase Price: $34.99
• Purchase Year: 2007
• Review Platform: Nintendo Famicom (round-button original)

Yume Penguin Monogatari is exactly what I said – a game featuring an overweight penguin named Penta, whose girlfriend Penko has left him for the more tempting life of wealth and security with evil sado-masochist penguin Ginji. Why would this lying tramp give up years of happiness with Penta? Why, because he’s grown too fat for her delicate sensibilities of course. Your mission, whether you choose to accept it or not, is to lose as much weight as you can before getting to the end of the level.

If you should fail in the quest, Penko chides you over the phone that you’re a fatty and will never get to be with her luscious and ample penguin bosom again. She then hangs the phone up and gives Ginji the blowjob of his life right then and there, but the phone didn’t completely hang up so Penta listens helplessly whilst becoming more and more depressed and ultimately penguin-an-heroes himself. Okay, maybe that doesn’t happen, but it’s sure as hell implied.

If you succeed in keeping the weight off (achieved by drinking diet drinks, not by exercising or eating healthy) to the end of the level, Penko is overjoyed! She gives you a few words of encouragement or something and you go off to the next level in an elated mood. This goes on for seven levels until you finally get a chance to beat the F out of the son-of-a-mother who stole your penguin poontang.

Graphics: The graphics in Yume Penguin are very clear and crisp. There’s a reason Konami dominated the NES/Famicom and part of that is the slick and impressive visuals they cranked out on a routine basis. The penguin sprites are very well drawn - especially Penta, who gains weight from the slightest touch of anything. It’s so amazing to see a fit and trim penguin fighting machine morph into an enormous blob of fat in just an instant.

The enemies are amusing and colorful. One fires rocket-propelled roasted pigs at you, and still others throwing such high-fat items as apples and watermelon at you. I’ll have to try the rocket-propelled pig sometime. Yum!

Sound: The music is extremely Konami. That is, it’s very clear, cheerful, well orchestrated and fits the title exactly. It doesn’t get too tedious and maintains the feeling that this is all a silly game played in a silly world full of rocket-propelled pigs.

The sound effects are perfect and don’t sound out of place throughout.

Controls: Controls are tight and responsive. This is all I really have to say about that. The Famicom had 4 buttons and a direction pad. And a 12 inch cord permanently attached to the console. There’s not much to say other than that!

Gameplay: This is an extremely fun game! I cannot say that enough. Between the cutscenes involving obsessive eating, the rocket-propelled pigs, and the absurd weight-loss story, this game maintains a very good sense of humor that permeates different cultures with ease – even if the text is all in Japanese you can still understand the emotions and situations.

The difficulty is easy in the first level, but the first flying level was a pain in the ass for me the first few runs, and then eased out a bit. The difficulty overall is average.

Verdict: This is a game that you should own if you have a Famicom. No excuses, go out and buy it!

Review 002 - May 10, 2008 - Pioneer LaserActive - I Will: The Story of London

Now that I’m finally back online, I can get back to my original, though delayed, plan of one review per day.

Today's review will be of a very unique title for a very unique console.

• Game: I Will: The Story of London
• Console: MegaLD (Mega Drive LaserDisc)
• Developer: Pioneer
• Publisher: Pioneer
• Release Year: 1993
• Region/Language: NTSC-J / English/Japanese
• Genre: Adventure / Interactive Movie
• Purchase Location: Pink Godzilla - Seattle, WA
• Purchase Price: $
• Purchase Year: 2008
• Review Platform: LaserActive with Mega Drive module
  

Apparently, if I can understand enough from the horrible British acting, someone stole Mark Twain’s “Alpha Ozone” from a sealed vault somewhere around London, England. Don’t ask me what the hell “Alpha Ozone” is, but apparently it’s quite marvelous and must be returned to its rightful owner. Twain’s lovely assistant immediately declares that you, “Sherlock” must assist her in getting back the “Alpha Ozone”!

How does one start looking for a missing item in England? Why, by going to ask your father for advice. Never mind that he hasn’t been involved in the case at any point in time, nor does it look like he ever leaves his house. (I can tell he never leaves his house because he’s never been to his acting lessons. Yikes.) After you leave, you get to engage in a thrilling two-dimensional driving simulator reminiscent of Grand Theft Auto to get from point A to point B. This should set the game up enough for you to get the point.

Graphics: Compared to other consoles’ “Interactive Movie” fare of the early-to-mid nineties multimedia fad, the full-motion video of this LaserActive title is actually very decent. While not up to modern DVD or HD quality, being analog video based on a LaserDisc, it far surpassed the digitally-compressed video of the Sega CD, 3DO and CD-i. There are gorgeous video shots of the greater London area, including the London Bridge, the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace and Trafalgar Square.

There are also shots of the not-so-gorgeous British populace, but I digress.

The interspersed driving game appears as crisp and vivid as it would on my $35.00 Super Nintendo, except with more awesome since it’s on my $1,000.00 LaserActive.

Sound: The audio in this game is quite up to snuff, especially being as it’s outputting over an optical connection and is streaming from a LaserDisc. The music in the investigative scenes is quite haunting and will stick with you for quite some time, even if it does get repetitive just an hour into the game.

The voice acting was obviously done on some very expensive equipment. Unfortunately, as Gerard Way has proven time and time again, even the most top of the line audio equipment cannot make a shitty voice sound good. The acting is just rubbish. I’ve seen better acting on PBS at 5:30 in the morning sitting in my living room with nothing but boxer shorts on gently nursing my beer. Even the spaced-out junkie Mark Twain looking professor guy’s character can’t overcome the lack of acting ability.

I watch the Teletubbies for Christ’s sake, and I still think this is worse acting-wise.

Controls: The controls are what you’d expect of from a Genesis controller. They’re tight, but I hate the shape of the controller itself. There’s no option to play the game with the LaserActive remote, just the Genesis controller. The driving game controls very well, with hairpin turns around every corner.

Gameplay: 95% of your gaming experience is supposed to consist of being immersed in the gorgeous videos finding clues as to the whereabouts of the mysterious “Alpha Ozone”, with the other 5% being the driving game, getting to the various locations in London.

Too bad reality doesn’t mesh up so well with the design. 15% of your time is spent viewing unique videos of beautiful, historic places in England’s capital, while 35% of your time is spent watching the same videos again and again because chicky’s dad keeps telling you to go back to the Tower of London (for the twelfth time in as many minutes.)

This wouldn’t be so infinitely frustrating if the other 50% weren’t taken up by the mother***ing driving game. I swear to God, game designers haven’t learned in 3 decades of game making not to put this time-wasting repetitive garbage in their games!

Verdict: With the inane gameplay, shoddy acting and a story that would only appeal to Jeff Spiccoli, I’d pass on this game at full price in an instant. This game is worth ownership if you already have a LaserActive, or are planning on owning one and you find it for about $20.00 or under. According to the "eBay Blue Book" the going price for a copy of this game is around $120.00. With the graphics being the only truly stellar aspect of the game, I hereby rule: Caveat Gamer.

Review 001 - May 09, 2008 - Sega Genesis - M.U.S.H.A.

Now that the introduction to my living room is complete, I'll get to the real meat: my first review!

Today's review will be of a top-down shooter (shmup) that I just purchased this week!

• Game: M.U.S.H.A. (a.k.a. Musha Aleste: Full Metal Fighter Ellinor in Japan)
• Console: Sega Genesis
• Developer: Compile
• Publisher: Seismic
• Release Year: 1990
• Region/Language: NTSC-U/English
• Genre: Vertically Scrolling Shooter
• Purchase Location: Pink Godzilla - Seattle, WA
• Purchase Price: $34.99
• Purchase Year: 2008
• Review Platform: LaserActive with Mega Drive module

M.U.S.H.A., or "Musha" for ease of my shift-fingers, is a shmup released in the early 90's. Being a huge fan of shmups the last few years, I am fairly picky when it comes to comparing new games to my favorites. I'm pleased to say that Musha doesn't disappoint in the least. This game was recommended to us several times by a buddy of ours at the PG, but we kept turning it down... well, Mr. Bush's Economic Fuckup--erm... *Stimulus check came in and we went to go get Musha!

Graphics: The graphics of Musha are very aesthetically pleasing. The game features full parallax scrolling, and extremely large sprites on-screen at one time with little to no slowdown at all - a thanks goes to the speedy Genesis CPU there. The intro features full-screen animated scenes and dialog. The entire game handles all of this with zero sprite flicker. Most impressive. I also like the detail of the sprites quite a bit. There's something to be said for having 12 floating, flaming zombie skulls on screen at one time being bombarded by your lasers and missiles. (Again, with no flicker! Yay!)

Sound: The music is run-of-the-mill, but suffices in that it adequately fits the environment and pace of the game. The music doesn't get too tedious, which was an achievement in and of itself in the 8/16-bit console days. The sound effects fit the action just fine. As with most Genesis games, the sound isn't quite up to par with the SNES' audio capabilities, but it works well enough.

Controls: The controls in this game are tight! I'm talking "tighter than a 12 year old" tight. This makes a huge difference in 99% of games, and Musha doesn't fail. The only uncomfortable aspect is the Genesis controller itself, which I've never been a huge fan of.

Gameplay: You fly forward endlessly, shooting the hell out of whatever diabolical shit comes your way... collect a weapons upgrade or a shield pack along the way, and then shoot some more shit... Oh, no! What's this? A giant, screen-encompassing boss that takes 45 minutes of straight shooting to kill? That's right, this is a classic shmup from Japan which, while a little easy at first, is insanely fun throughout.

Verdict: I love it. If you like shumps, give Musha a try. If you don't, at least try it on an emulator to see what you'd be missing. (Not that I advocate piracy. Please ensure to follow all applicable local, state and federal laws pertaining to copyright before downloading ROM images. We don't need video game fans getting tossed into the klink now, do we? :))

I'll be back tomorrow with my second review!

P.S. In case you were wondering, M.U.S.H.A. is an acronym for "Metallic Uniframe Super Hybrid Armor". Now you know.