- Game: Pro Darts
- Console: GameBoy Color (Color-Only Cartridge)
- Developer: Vicarious Visions
- Publisher: Vatical Entertainment
- Release Year: 2001
- Region/Language: NTSC-U / English
- Genre: Dart Simulator
- Purchase Location: Main Exchange (BX) – Andrews AFB, MD
- Purchase Price: $4.95
- Purchase Year: 2002
- Review Platform: GameBoy Advance SP (in native screen mode, not stretched)
Pro Darts is a compelling video game experience full of tight story lines, amazing graphics and thrilling gameplay. Or, it would if Pro Darts was the real name of BioShock. There’s not a whole lot to review. This is a fairly accurate pocket-sized version of the classic game of darts. The elation my sister must have felt upon opening this treasure must have been just outstanding.
Graphics: Vicarious Visions’ product site claims that Pro Darts is full of “3D-rendered artwork for that ultra-realistic feel” and “full motion video cut-scenes” which roughly translates to “full of half-assed pre-rendered backgrounds that mostly resemble canned ass” and “shit that may once have been good-looking FMV has been reduced to literally .43% of its original resolution.”
Other than that, the game looks fine.
Sound: Vicarious Visions’ product site claims that “real voice playback contributes to the realism of this darts simulation.” Yes, it is true!
The thrilling experience of hearing a play-by-play call of your game of darts has been faithfully reproduced on the GameBoy Color by the talented engineers at Vicarious Visions! What’s next for this crackpot team of geniuses? Solving world hunger? Eliminating war? Making a DS game for the Bee Movie? Oh, wait…
The music still haunts me in my nightmares. Picture this: I’m getting tickled and whipped with flaming chainsaws simultaneously by a bunch of nude Janet Reno / Hilary Clinton hybrid demons in hell. Celine Dion and Alicia Keys are there having nasty penis-filled lesbian sex which turns me the exact opposite of on. The meatspin guy is hovering over my open mouth “Burning Desire” style. There is music playing... It’s the Pro Darts theme song.
Controls: The controls are actually decent. I could score a bulls-eye after some practice nearly every time I played. There’s nothing more to say here.
Gameplay: Imagine walking into a smoky bar in the backwoods of Wisconsin after a long cold day of hunting. You order up a big ol’ glass of beer and sit down to watch some “Turkey Huntin’ with Dale” on TV, when some joker comes in and challenges your very manhood. Well, obviously this slight cannot stand. What is a man to do? Settling this mano y mano just like God intended; with a Dart Board!
Now, take that scenario and strip out the challenge of manhood, the joker, the TV, the beer, the cigarettes, Wisconsin and the bar. This is Pro Darts. The ultimate challenge of nothing, really.
Verdict: Well, if you have a penchant for dart simulation video games, especially portable ones, then this is a must own.
If, like the rest of civilized America, you prefer your video games to be of the non-Darts Simulation variety then you may want to invest in Donkey Kong or Mario instead.
This game wouldn’t be worth picking up for anything more than 50 cents at a garage sale.
My poor, poor sister… :-(
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